One month

Is it really possible that a month has passed?  I’ve been so busy trying to clean up her home and take care of the business of her life, trying to find a path through.  I think I am only starting to understand that this is forever. Of course, I know logically, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she is gone, at least from this realm.   She was my home, my true north, for so many years.  That she is gone feels as unnatural as if the sun were to rise in the west.

I have heard I will eventually forget her voice. That is unfathomable, yet again, logically, I must acknowledge that if I were to live as long as she did, I would live another forty years. Indeed, in forty years, I would create and lose many memories, and her voice is likely one of those things.

I am so grateful that I saved her last birthday greeting. Every year, she wanted to be the first to call and sing “Happy Birthday” to me. It often meant she that she called first thing in the morning, and if she called when I was in the shower, it meant her message would be on voicemail.

This was a call I liked to miss because I could keep the message and listen to it over and over.  She was just so cute. “Happy Birthday, my Patti.” She is the only one that ever sang it that way, and I could hear her joy, pride, and happiness. “My Patti.”

I understand that love. I know the day I was born was the best day of her life. I know I was her greatest gift and best work. I know because that is how I feel about my son.

From the time he was little, whenever it was time to leave a play date, if Kai began to object, we would say, “You have a choice. You can be happy for the time you had, or you can be sad that is it over.”

Tonight, I realize perhaps I need to tweak that a bit. It is not a choice of which to feel; both are legitimate feelings. The choice is in what we hold on to.

I miss her. I miss my mom.   She’s really gone. I sure am grateful I had her.

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