Karl has requested a leave from work to help me get through everything. They gave him today and tomorrow off as vacation as they make their decision. We worked for hours today. There is no air conditioning, and we are afraid to open windows because they won’t always close. That happened today with one I tried.
Today, Karl picked up a framed needlepoint and asked me what I wanted to do with it. It was a simple question, and I know how much he dislikes folk art, just about as much as I like it. But, he didn’t know this was one my mom had made. Before I even knew it, I blurted out, “I’m not ready to get rid of it!” and started crying.
I like the piece well-enough, but certainly my reaction was not about needlework. It’s about my mom. And, that I miss her. And, that as I make these decisions, these choices, about what I will or won’t keep, I am torn. I want to let go of what doesn’t serve, but there are no do-overs. And, it is easy to confuse the things she touched with her. She is gone, but I want to hold on to her. And, since I can’t have her, I want what was important to her.
I know I must let go, but it is an internal struggle. Moving forward means moving on, and I want to stop a bit and be with her and my memories, not just rush through. But, I am feeling the constraints of time and that I must sift through the remnants of her life. And of my childhood.
I need to slow down a bit. “Hold on” and “let go.” “Be” and “do.” I must honor both to find balance.–Yin and Yang. Past and Present.